I don't know what to do with my life.
What will be best for me and what is best for the little Mosquito?
And if I knew the right things to do,
the best way to act,
would I be brave enough to handle right?

Would I even need to be brave? There are all this elementary questions that I keep asking myself all the time. I know pregnant women do this, but since my situation is a bit (pardon my language) fucked up I guess I’m more confused and concerned than most pregnant women…

I try to appear calm and that I’ve thought this whole thing through. And partly that is true, because I have thought this whole thing through… It’s just that I haven’t been able to come up with an answer.

More than one,
really crucial though.
I will never regret keeping my baby, the little Mosquito.

I wonder what it feels like living somewhere you could truly call home. When I think of it, I haven’t done that in ages. This isn’t home; it’s just somewhere I live, where I have my stuff. It’s a nice place, a bit messy, but I guess a home could be that as well. I don’t think this non-homey feeling has anything in to do with this town, because I felt the same way about most of my apartments when I used to live in Sweden as well.

So what would make an apartment or a house home for me? The thing is I don’t have the tiniest idea. I wouldn’t know what to look for if I had to. I have an idea of what kind of area I’d like my home to be in, but that’s it. I know I’m not a big fan of the thought of a house. But that has more to do with all the work that comes with it. If the DG was more of a handyman the idea might not repel me as much as it does. The DG is certainly not a handyman, so now every time he talks of us buying a house I just start hyperventilate, just by the thought of it. He got plenty of good and useful qualities, but he’s not a fixer, he doesn’t get things done, unless it includes buying new technology. So the conclusion is; a house would probably not feel more like home.

So what about an apartment? I guess I could feel home in an apartment, but I have certain requirements here as well. It’s just that I don’t know what they are… Figure…

If you now got the idea that we’re thinking of moving or I am, at least, I can assure that this is not the case. I just came home from work and realized that this isn’t home; it’s just somewhere I live…

I’ve installed the better computer speakers and now I’m listening to Rammstein. The subwoofer does nice things to the sound, which makes me happy. I’m annoyed and pissed at the moment, for no obvious reason. Aggressive music played loud makes me angry in a happy way. It’s like it drains me for some of the frustration.

I don’t think the DG appreciates it though, but right now that’s not my problem. On the other hand he probably likes this better than me 30 minutes ago. Then I was curled up on the sofa, apathetic, teas in my eyes and listening to lame music. When he tried to ask what was wrong, I didn’t answer or I just told him that I liked to be alone in my head. Now I’m moving again and I answer if I’m spoken to. But the music is so loud so there’s not much room for conversation, which suits me just fine. But if he’s smart and gives me a few moments I’ll probably snap out of it entirely.

There’s alot of therapy in music if you’re able to find just the right sort at the wrong time…

I’m having chocolate ice-cream for supper, nice and healthy, while I’m listening to The Margarets on Spotify. I truly enjoy Spotify. It’s a great way to discover new music. Today I don’t need to feel guilty about it either, since the DG isn’t at home. He’s away building platforms again. He’s not as in to listening to music as I am. When he’s not at home I rarely watch TV. I just spend time reading books and listen to music. Like today when I’m discovering The Margarets. I’ve known about them for a while, didn’t think I actually liked them, but I do.

A few days ago when I felt sad and lonely I just searched for the word “alone” on Spotify, to find music that reflected my mood and one of the songs that came up was Surf Alone with the Margarets and it’s really cute. The chorus is both cute and funny. “Today I smashed my mobile phone, because I need to be alone. Unless I find myself I’m no one. I’ll be a stranger on the shore, true rebels always surf alone. Today I smashed my mobile phone.” (I think I got it right). I think it’s one of their hit songs, but if you like me missed it, I do recommend you to search for it at YouTube or something, if you don’t have the Spotify of course.

But now I have to stop typing. Need to concentrate on my ice-cream before it melts.

Is it too late for coffee now? It’s a quarter to nine in the evening. Or is it so late that the caffeine won’t have time to kick in? I don’t know, but I do really feel like coffee. Homemade, fresh grind coffee, doesn’t it sound nice? I do think so, so I’ll just give in to temptation, be wild and crazy and enjoy a nice cup of coffee long after six in the evening.

Dah!

So it’s another day, Monday, hurray Monday… Nooot

I’m not in a bad mood, but I’m in a bored mood. Another week just started and I don’t feel like doing anything, nothing, nada. I should’ve gone to a lecture today, instead I went home and watched a movie.

Right now I’m listening to music and surfing the internet. If it was up to me I’d watch the move once more. But the DG doesn’t feel like it. To be honest I have to say I do understand him, since the film wasn’t that good. It was good enough to distract me for a while, but as soon it was over I was back in bored-zone.

So what should I do to snap out of this? Right now I think I’ll just go to bed and continue with the book I’m reading. It’s the third Twilight book. It’s not like I need to read it, since this must be like the 5th or so time I’m reading it (It’s probably more).

I know what I’m doing, hiding in a bobble and that I sooner or later have to come out and deal with reality. Right now I’m going for later though. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll just wake up one morning soon and all my problems are all gone, all by them self and I can just live my life happily ever after. HA HA HA…

I can’t breathe...

It’s like the air can’t get any further than just down my throat
and there it stops.
It doesn’t feel like air anymore,
it feels like thick lumps of something.

I know this is me panicking.
I know this is me fighting.

But what kind of fight is this?
Am I fighting for something
or against something…

Or am I just blindfolded,
punching my fists around not knowing where or what to hit?

I’m sorry to say so, but I have a hard time seeing the point, if it’s just all about compromise. Are we gonna go through the rest of our life bargain, never be able to feel quite content, not even for the smallest of moments? I do know this sounds rather selfish, but I’m so utterly sick of the constant edginess, always knowing that I could do it differently, that it’s never just enough, if I erase a little more of myself at least one of us would be a little happier.

I’ve tried to erase myself though, but it doesn’t work. In the end I always explode or freak out. I know who I am, what I like, where I’d like to go, whom I like to spend time with, how I like to spend that time, what upset me and what doesn’t bother me. When I’m told to think otherwise my natural response would be to protest.

My life right now is get up, go to work, get home, telly on, have that normal “how’s your day been” conversation with the telly in the background, eat in front of the telly, read in front of the telly, "brain dead, not noticing what you're looking at" stare at the telly, go to bed. I HATE the TV. It just steals focus, time, emotions and energy. And that’s what compromising gave me, a hell lot of “watching TV” time. I know I had too much to do when we lived in Sweden and agreed to only join Friskis here, because we needed to spend more time together. But I traded my interests for watching TV???

And I guess the more time I spend in my own head, the more pissed I get, the more out of love I fall and the more I make both of us unhappy. I hate myself for feeling like this and he upsets me for not noticing.

I’m lost, totally! Every day I just drown myself in the silly Twilight books. Read my favorite parts again and again or even read one of the four books all over again. It’s how I escape reality. And that’s why I think I’m lost, the way I keep looking for reality escapes, the way I all the time disconnect myself from being here, from dealing with my life, my relationship, my unhappiness.

We try, the DG and I to find each other again. But it’s hard and we don’t know how. It’s like the things he think is good I find bad, boring or meaningless and vice a versa. I know it’s supposed to be a lot of compromising in a relationship in order to make it work. But what when it’s only compromising all the time?

I don’t know how to be excited anymore. There’s no passion left, there’s no mysteries, there’s no fun… Just hard work, grey everyday life and compromises.

I feel like shit. I’ve got this bad cold and I’ve been in bed for two days now. No energy, swollen nose, sore throat and I think I still got a fewer. I eat aspirin against the fewer, but I still don’t have any energy. This couldn’t have come in a worse time. Today I was supposed to give a course with Friskis & Svettis , tomorrow I have a meeting with a parent  and a friend from Sweden is coming to visit for the weekend. I should be cleaning the bathroom and fix the house for her visit, but I don’t have any energy what so ever to do that. So here I am on the sofa getting stressed over all the things I’m supposed to do. I guess the stress doesn’t help my healing process.

Every now and then I fall asleep and then I have these weird dreams. I guess it’s the fever. For example I dreamt that I was the company for a paralyzed man in the winter Paralympics that was held on Jamaica. Of course they didn’t have snow so they used frozen pineapple. Weird! I’m glad I don’t believe in dream analyzing.

Other than that the DG isn’t home, of course. So I’ll be here on my own ‘till my friend comes tomorrow. And that doesn’t really make me feel any better. Why did have to catch this cold right now?

I like my new hometown, I like my job and the people living here are in general friendly, but I miss my friends so badly, frustrating badly actually.

I need someone to talk to, someone I can trust, someone who listen and take the matters I need to talk about seriously. I don’t want to be felt sorry for, I just need to get thoughts and feelings of my chests.

One of my colleagues is pregnant. She hasn’t told me yet but I’ve known about it for a few weeks and I got the final signs yesterday. I am truly happy for her, but it still makes me sad. You all know why. I don’t know how early it is, but you can see her stomach now, if you know about it. I’m also dreading the day she’ll tell me. Even if I have time to prepare myself, I know I might cry and that’s not good.

This whole pregnancy matter is bothering me more than ever and I don’t know how to handle my own feelings anymore. I can to start to cry totally out of the blue. I know that bottling up feelings aren’t a good thing, but wearing them on the outside aren’t to good either. It damages the integrity and this matter is something that I don’t want to talk everybody about. I would like people to know though, if that would prevent them from ask stupid questions and maybe understand why I’m sad without any obvious reason every now and then.

The DG and I talk about it, but we’re both in the middle of it so I think it would do me good if I could talk to someone else too. Just talk and be heard. I don’t want suggestions to solutions, I just need to talk, analyse and get some clarity in where I stand. And this kind of conversations requires true friends…

So even if I feel at home here, this town lack something really important,  my dear and true friends.

I’ve got nothing to say, nothing to write about. I’m so tired and should be in bed, but I came home really late from a meeting at work tonight and even though I’m tired, I’m still a bit wired up and not relaxed enough to go to bed. The DG isn’t home, so I got no one to talk to and there’s no one to force me to go to bed… I’m bored…

I wish I had something to look forward to. I wish I had a plan for the weekend, a plan that included the girls, reed wine, good music, deep conversations, silly conversations, snacks and no men included other than in some of the conversations. But there’s no such plan, not even close…

Yes, I’m pathetic and feel sorry for myself…

This is a Sunday as it should be. Nothing is really going on and I can just take it easy and that’s good. I might even go to work out this evening… We’ll see what I feel like later on. I should start again though. I haven’t worked out properly since the beginning of April so I need to embrace that good habit all over again. The thing is that I don’t feel as comfortable with this sports club as the one back in Sweden. I had a follow-up as a leader in February and basically the woman that did it said that I sucked. As you can imagine it kind of broke my spirit. On top of this it seems like I can’t install the program I use to edit my music on this computer, so I can’t finish my new program unless I go sit for hours at the clubs office. And I really don’t feel like doing that.

Other than that I’ve started my new teaching job. The children in this class seem nice as my new colleges as well, so I guess this will be a good year. Hopefully I’ll be allowed to continue with them ‘till they finish 7^th grade (they’re 5^th grade now). Then they’ll be my first real class. It’s a lot different from being a 1^st grade teacher, but so far I actually enjoy it. It requires a lot more preparation from me, but on the other hand that preparation will be useful for years to come. Like this weekend I’ve been updating my knowledge on Bible history. Thank God (ha ha) for the children Bible I bought on the book sales this spring, cause the children’s schools book in Religion and Ethics education  is really crapy, at least this part. I think Bible history is interesting even if you’re not Christian, but this book is really killing the subject. So I guess I’ll have to drop the book and put my own touch to it. It’s a lot of work now, but then I’ve done it for years to come.

But if I’m going to work out to day I guess I’ve to start making dinner… “Uten mat og drikke, duger heltinnen ikke.” We’re having Falukorv today. The last one that we made our summer guests bring from Sweden, so now we need new deliveries…

I had the weirdest dream last night. When I tried to tell the DG about it this morning it sounded kinda fun and it could have been a cool story for a children’s book or a movie maybe. But when I woke up at 3.33 this night I was totally stressed out and really scared. Silly!

I dreamt that parallel to our world there is a fairyland. All fairies could travel between the two worlds through passages only they could see and use. Here in our world they could see us and interfere with our life, but we would never understand what happened since we couldn’t see them. It’s not like they were evil, did mean things or so, but they would hang around play us some pranks and have a few laughs on our behalf.

The thing was that I could see farires and even use their passages to go to fairyland and the leaders of the fairy government (‘cause they don’t have a fairy king, like we like to believe. No, they have a fairy government with rather grey and bureaucratic fairies) did not like this, when they found out. So top secret they sent out killer fairies to end me. There were a few anarchistic fairies and a few fairies rights fighters fairies (compare: human rights fighters) that found out about this and tried to help me, but the mean fairy government with their rabid killer fairies was constantly on to me and nearly caught me several times.

At first when I woke up, (you know when you’re in Limbo, when you’re not longer asleep, but you’re still in your dream) I was so sure that my dream was a message from the spirit world. They had a mission for me but I couldn’t interpret the message, my stupid dream…

One thing is for sure though; I won’t bring this dream to a dream analyst.

We never went to the Tomato Festival today as we were supposed to.  It’s a bit silly really, since the weather is ok and we’re not really hangover. But neither the DG nor I felt like getting up this morning to make it, instead we slept long and went down town, bought some fish for dinner tomorrow and some shrimps for dinner today.

We’re going to have one of the DGs colleagues over for dinner tomorrow. He’s this guy from Scotland that is going to work at the same project as the DG. I think his 60 something, but I feel a bit sorry for him, staying all alone at the hotel al weekend. But after we invited him over tomorrow he told us that he’s very interested in cooking and been taking some gourmet cooking classes. Shit, what have I done??? I’ll make one of my mum’s fish recipes, I like it but it’s nothing fancy, just an ordinary everyday fare. Well, well, hopefully he’ll like it.

They had a veteran fire-engine parade in the city to day as well. That was kinda interesting. Some of the really old ones were actually beautiful. I guess it did help that they were reed. And the last two fire-engines were those they use now days. Didn’t care too much for those trucks, but you should have seen the firefighters. I almost started to drool. I can see the point in buying a firefighters calendar. He he…

Here I am, in front of the TV and I soon might die of boredom. Thank God this is the last game in the European Football Championship. What is it with some men and football? And obviously I think that the DG is one of all this “some men”. For a few weeks now football has been running our life. But now it’s two years ‘til next time. I must admit that I hope that neither Norway nor Sweden qualifies to the world championship. This might make me qualify to the title “Bitch”, but I truly do not care!!